Finding my way was not a clearly defined path but, on the journey, I learnt what I was good at.
So, I have been tasked with writing a blog post, something most uncomfortable as I am notoriously private. My colleague and friend Alison Grade called hers ‘How the f*** do I return to work?’ So I’ve titled mine ‘Who the f***am I? ‘
Having long-held aspirations of winning an Oscar and being lauded by all and sundry, I trained to be an actor and spent a fabulous two years touring the country in theatre productions. The parts may have been small but the fun was huge!
At 23, whilst trudging the boards at six months pregnant I asserted that I would continue working as an actor, I would merely strap my beautiful small son to my back and we would tour up and down the country with abandon.
However, back in the mid-90s when job shares, childcare support, Equity minimum, were even worse than they are now, the realisation that I was not going to be touring the country with my son strapped to my back became rapidly apparent.
Leaving the house was almost insurmountable – in fact our first expedition to register our eldest son’s birth resulted in a misspelling of his second name (there are only four letters.) I attempted to carry on my acting career – had a small part in a play, a Turkish visa commercial and an even smaller part in a film. However, I quickly realised it was immeasurably stressful trying to facilitate two children to two different schools, who invariably always felt sick on shoot days, and then commute into London in order to make the call time. It was not sustainable financially or psychologically – the pressures were too great.
So, what to do? Who was I if not a character in a play? I had somewhat lost myself along the way…
It took me a long time to figure it out and I don’t know if I ever found the answer but what I do know is I found or fell upon a way. I met like-minded mothers in the playground (my new network – the playground mafia) – ones who felt they had no option but to give up careers. One thing lead to another and two of us created a company where we sold garden ornaments – had them manufactured and imported, then dropped the children to school and dashed around the UK selling… I hate gardening and ornaments, but it was fun and most importantly flexible. It enabled both of us to be there for the school pick-up (just) something I realise is a total luxury.
Following on from that still with no clear direction it was all about finding a job that would fit around my responsibilities. However, although I could knock out fantastic verse in perfect iambic pentameter and I could still regale you with a Shakespearean monologue (Menopause allowing), I soon realised neither of these skills were particularly useful when looking for employment.
In an interview for a role running the local film society when asked- ‘do you know how to use excel ‘I said yes (always say yes is my policy, an actor’s trait – can you horse ride – absolutely, can you ice skate – I am a champion) and then I had to figure out what that actually was.
Finding my way was not a clearly defined path but, on the journey, I learnt what I was good at (other than blagging things). What Alison terms ‘your secret sauce ‘- people and processes were my thing.
I had to redefine what success looked like. I always thought success meant have plenty of money or achieving that Oscar reaching that dream I had as a mere teen; why I thought my teenage aspirations were a good idea is beyond me – in those days I drank neat gin and sunbathed in olive oil so my judgment was not the best.
Now though I know success is moving forward, it’s the small things. We do the best we can for the circumstances we are in and so long as we’re not derailed for long as life delivers new hurdles to overcome that’s success to me
We might not be moving in the same way we envisaged but we’re moving and that’s good enough. When I set out to train as a counsellor, I never thought it would lead to the creation of Solas Mind, managing a team of thirty and working across hundreds of productions in a role I am passionate about. There was a whisper inside about what it could become and for once I trusted my instincts, quit my job and took those steps into the unknown.
So, like Alison, when I saw the tender for the ScreenSkills return to work courses it felt hugely exciting to be able to work together as friends and colleagues, having both navigated the turbulent waters of trying to return to work and redefine what work might look like.
Finding that elusive work/life balance will be different for each of us, but if you do feel stuck, the horizon is foggy and your secret sauce unidentifiable, just applying and taking a step, even if you don’t know where it will lead, is an exciting start.
